BREAKING NEWS ALERT
Rob Ford, before reading The 4-Hour Body
Rob Ford puts Toronto on a diet
Move said to “stop gravy train in its tracks”
By Jordyn Marcellus
Rob Ford is stopping the gravy train — the literal one, that is.
After his bout with kidney stones, Doug Ford says his brother is ready to fight fat the only way he knows how.
“Well, Rob just read this really amazing book called The 4 Hour Body,” said the elder Ford from his office in Toronto City Hall. “And he realized that what Toronto needed was to lose a lot of weight really quickly. Because it will make us feel better and probably do something to reduce Toronto’s debt.”
The mayor, jaunting past reporters on his way to coach the Buffalo Bills to the Super Bowl in Madden NFL 11, explained further.
“The problem is that, quite frankly, we have a budget problem — and that could be reduced if we all just tightened our belts a little. To do that, we need to actually be able to put on a belt. That’s why we’re putting this diet in place,” he said moments before stepping into his SUV.
Ford’s recent diet declaration is just one move in a long line to help the city slim down. He first removed coffee, tea and snacks from council chambers in an effort to get city councillors drink “some goddamn water once in a while.”
“Seriously, we’re going hungry in those 12-hour meetings,” said Ward 20 Trinity-Spadina councillor Adam Vaughan with a wild, hunger-crazed expression in his eyes. “While I understand Mayor Ford’s desire to get the city thinner so we can date Chicago, let’s face the facts. Poor Gord Perks passed out and accidentally voted against allowing us to talk about the potential future impact of this year’s budget on 2012.
“I mean, I saw Karen Stintz as a walking drumstick today. We’re really hungry over here.”
But brother Doug says that the plan is simple: Torontonians will only be able to eat the “slow-carb” diet six days of the week, with a binge day of Saturday. Restaurants will unfortunately have to change their menus to be slow-carb friendly — so they’ll need to cook vegetables, lentils and lots of other kinds of legumes — and absolutely nothing with empty carbs, like bread, torillas or sugar.
Chain restaurants will be exempted from the new regulations.
“The great thing about this diet is that you get the opportunity to go on a binge day,” said Doug Ford while thumbing through the book. “So, Saturdays will be an impressive, city-wide bacchanalia full of mirth, mead and oh-so much food. This spikes your glucose levels, so you’ll lose weight by eating — and how awesome is that?”
Local shopper Walter Kurtwhistle believes the Ford’s plans are a good idea due to his prodigious amount of experience in the private sector.
“I trust my boy Rob with all my heart and soul,” said Kurtwhistle in a hushed, reverant voice. “He knows what he’s doing. He stopped the metaphysical gravy train, and now he’s literally stopping the literal gravy train.”
